I grew up in a loving home and went
to a really good Primary School. I have hardly a
negative memory from my first thirteen years. So
a good foundation was laid.
But secondary school was a
disaster. When I was just three weeks there, I
got blamed for something which I hadn't done and
got a very severe beating for it. Because I kept
insisting on my innocence, the beating went on
and on, as the teacher was determined to get me
to admit doing it. Worse still, I had a row with
the two blokes who were responsible. Within a
couple of months they had become members of a
gang of bullies that caused immense hurt to many
students. I was already in conflict with them,
and, as a result, became their number one victim.
At the time, though I was
an innocent victim, I took all the blame and
shame upon myself. Deep down I really came to
believe that it was I who had the problem. I was
very angry with and bitter towards those who
caused the hurt, but deep down it was myself I
blamed.
It destroyed me from
within; destroyed my sense of self-worth;
destroyed my ability to concentrate; left me
feeling deeply inadequate, different, and very
isolated; not to speak of the effects of living
in ongoing fear I ended up a very broken person.
Despite my brokenness, I
still felt called to the priesthood. Thankfully I
was sent to St. Patrick's College, Maynooth,
which gave me the chance of a new beginning.
There was a great atmosphere there and the
nobleness of my fellow seminarians absolutely
amazed me. There was just one problem:- I had
brought myself with me! The years of living in
the valley of darkness had taken its toll and
left many problems and compulsions.
I felt a complete fraud;
felt that if the others knew the hidden me that I
would be rejected. I was also full of anger and
crippled by feelings of being inferior, of being
different. I really gave it a big big try. But
after five years I could go no further. I was
desolate, even dangerously desolate. I just
wanted to be no more. There were times when I was
close to suicide. The one thing that saved me
during this time of great darkness, was that I
didn't wish to bring hurt to my family.
I was then so desolate that
I could not visualise how I could be happy
anywhere; not even in heaven. Yes, even heaven
seemed a terribly desolate place and worse still,
a desolate place that would just go on and on for
ever
In the Gospels I read
Jesus' claim to be the Bread of Life. I cried out
to Him, "If you really are the Bread of Life
why am I experiencing such inner emptiness?"
That for me was a burning
question; either He was who He claimed to be or
there was something terribly wrong with the whole
thing. He said that He was the Bread of Life, yet
I had prayed daily, gone to Mass daily and there
I was full of emptiness. There was for me a
contradiction in all this.
I felt that I could no
longer continue going for the priesthood given my
inner desolation, and so I told both my family
and the appropriate authorities that I was
quitting, and started serious job hunting.
Then another student handed
me a copy of "The Cross and the
Switchblade" which describes how David
Wilkerson had felt called by God to travel to New
York and to start ministering to the street
gangs. He had nothing except the Gospels and the
power of the Holy Spirit to bring to them, yet
some of the toughest of the gang leaders had
their whole lives transformed. They were taken
from the streets, from the brutal violence, the
robberies, the drug addiction, the promiscuity
and given a whole new life. Some went on to
become ministers themselves.
It was like reading the
Acts of the Apostles all over again - only now it
was taking place today. My whole being was
gripped with faith as I read that book. I knew
that there was a power that could transform my
life.
I had never travelled
abroad, indeed my insecurity made travel an
ordeal, but I was determined that I was going to
get to New York, to get to where the power of the
Gospel to transform lives was being preached.
Everything within me said that this was the
answer. Then about a week or so later, Benny
McHale, now Fr Benny, a priest in the Tuam
diocese, invited me to a Prayer Meeting in
Maynooth. I thought it was marvellous:- those
taking part seemed to be really experiencing
Jesus as the Bread of Life, walking in a living
relationship with Jesus.
Needless to say, given the
interior crisis I was then undergoing, many
things had become spiritually dry, spiritually
empty for me. Even the Mass had lost its meaning,
had lost its appeal, become empty. There appeared
so much joy by comparison at the Prayer Meeting.
The members had something that I so badly needed.
A few days later, I was
walking down the corridor in Maynooth, when I met
Benny, accompanied by Kevin Lanigan, later Fr
Kevin, a priest in Cork who died suddenly some
years back. They were on their way to a big
Prayer Meeting in Eustace Street in Dublin and
had one seat left in the minibus - if I was
interested. I dropped everything and joined them.
Arriving in Eustace Street
I was amazed by the crowds and took it for
granted that everybody present had come into this
mighty power. Some of their ways of praying, hand
clapping, hands in the air, tongues etc., didn't
come natural to me. But I didn't care. I really
wanted what was behind it all, the power of the
Holy Spirit.
There was an Presbyterian
minister from Belfast there that night. After the
meeting I had the opportunity to be prayed with
by him. I just mentioned my inner loneliness and
he prayed, placing his hands on my head. Nothing
happened while he was praying over me. In fact, I
remember feeling a sense of disappointment.
Then some 15 to 30 seconds
after I moved away from him, it started. Where
deep within my chest I had previously experienced
the centre of the great inner emptiness, inner
vacuum, I now felt a bubbling heat beginning to
rise; bubbling and swirling and filling out, like
clouds billowing in the sky.
I had believed that it
would be the Holy Spirit that would transform me.
The Prayer Meeting had centred very much on the
Holy Spirit. Yet, as I experienced the bubbling,
billowing sensations of heat moving within me as
a living force, I also experienced a great
conviction that it was the Risen Jesus who was
present to me. I neither understood nor analysed
it then. I just knew that I was feeling
heat where previously I had experienced the
emptiness, and somehow I knew I was being touched
by Jesus.
The heat continued all the
way back to Maynooth. I went to sleep with it
that night. I woke up with it the next morning
and went right through the day with it, and so
indeed for several days, I now cannot remember
how many. I do remember that about 10 days to two
weeks later, I experienced a sense of panic for
about 5 minutes. I suddenly realised that the
heat was gone, but even as I panicked, I realised
that there was something equally valuable in its
place, a sense of calm and the continued and
ongoing sense of the presence of Jesus.
Meanwhile I was telling my
friends something of what had happened - though I
found sharing very difficult. Some warned of
emotional experiences, of the danger of coming
down off off cloud nine as they called it, and of
being worse off than ever when I hit the ground.
That was in 1972. Praise God, I still haven't hit
the ground. Indeed while the heat has gone, the
totality of the experience has never left me and
indeed, especially in the last 20 years, has
grown stronger and stronger and stronger. In
an inner but yet very definite way, I have met
the Risen Jesus.
Jesus said,
"Whoever believes in Me, streams of
life-giving water will pour out from His
heart" John 7:37 (GN).
"Whoever drinks the
water that I will give Him will never be thirsty
again. The water that I will give him will become
in him a spring of water welling up to eternal
life." John 4:14, (ON)
That is what I experienced
and that is what I am continuing to experience,
now more than ever. Jesus has given me
this spring of life-giving water and it is now
indeed becoming a stream. My experience of it
continues to grow.
Some people can testify
that when Jesus came upon them, their every
problem was removed, that they were cleansed of
whatever bad habits they had built up in their
hours of darkness and that all the hurt and anger
was taken away. It was the total opposite with
me. I experienced the power of the Risen Christ.
Where previously there had been an ongoing
sensation of inner emptiness, there was now an
ongoing sensation of the presence and love of
Jesus. But I was left to face every other
compulsion, every other problem, every other area
of difficulty that had built up in my life over
the years.
I was still very far from
being ready to even consider forgiving the people
who had hurt me. I was carrying all the anger and
bitterness and hadn't even begun to realise that,
not merely was this contrary to the teaching of
Jesus, but that it would delay my inner healing,
and spill over in all sorts of ways in my life.
It was in October 1972 that
Jesus touched my life. As a result I recommitted
myself to going for the priesthood. But it still
was by no means all plain sailing. I suffered
deep feelings of inferiority, intense shyness,
was full of anger, and despite Jesus having
filled the emptiness, I still experienced some
loneliness and even more so, a real fear of
ending up tonely. I also found difficulties in
coping sexually. Around this time, I had a very
frank discussion with my spiritual director
during which I outlined very candidly my
difficulties with celibacy, and asked if he felt
I should leave the Seminary. He acknowledged the
extent of my difficulties, but said that he felt
that I could make it.
Just one and a half years
later, in June 1974, I was ordained, and begun my
priestly ministry full of enthusiasm, but also
still needing much healing. On the one hand I was
working out of a very deep faith experience. On
the other, there was still so much to be faced in
my own life, so much healing required.
I can now see that for the
first 13-14 years of my ministry, I was a divided
person:- partly walking in the power of Jesus,
yet still having to grapple with, face up to and
even be delivered from all the knock-on effects
of the years that I had spent in darkness, the
damage that my whole person had suffered as a
result of those traumatic teenage years. When
there is both anger and insecurity within a
person, it spills over. It leaves one sensitive,
causes one to be judgemental, makes it difficult
to cope with criticism or even differences of
opinion. Small things are taken too seriously.
Not being able to cope, one
lashes back and then divisions are formed. I must
admit that I was guilty of this. May I express my
apologies to those I hurt or let down during
those years. The sad truth is that when one is
hurt oneself and hasn't dealt with the hurt, one
in turn hurts others. I was doing the best I was
capable of, but I needed much inner healing. I
still hadn't begun to forgive either the teacher
or the bullies. Indeed, I must sadly confess that
I would have rejoiced at their destruction. I
totally avoided the teacher so that I wouldn't
have to speak to him. My heart was still a long
way from being open to the message of Jesus,
"If you do not
forgive others, then your Father will not forgive
the wrongs you have done" Matthew 6:15,
(GN).
I now thank God for the day
I found the grace to begin to forgive, and regret
that that day didn't come sooner. It now greatly
pleases me also that I never sought anything from
those who brought the hurt into my life, never
demanded retribution or justice, never even asked
for an apology or an explanation.
What happened
in my own life brought me to my knees, led to
great personal brokenness, led me to the verge of
suicide, led to years of desolation, greatly
affected my personality and my ministry for many
years, but I give thanks to God for finding the
grace to forgive without seeking to bring any
form of hurt into the lives of those responsible.
I thank God for the
wonderful ongoing healing that Jesus brings.
Strange to say, I also now thank God for all that
happened to me. I now have a truly wonderful
experience of Jesus as the bread of my life. I
have learned so much through my own struggles,
grown so much as I sought personal healing. My
life is tilled with an intense ongoing joy. One
can never put back the clock. One can never be
the same person that one would have been if these
things had never happened. But one can, with the
help of Jesus, become a better person. I believe
that I am. It is from my own journey into healing
that all my booklets are derived, and that I am
able to offer help to others.
My one and only regret is
that, while I was still a divided person, I
brought hurt into the lives of others. For that I
sincerely apologise.
During the period when I
was still struggling, celibacy and sexuality were
also extremely difficult for me. It is not easy
to write about such things. They are very
personal. I do so for one reason only - to hold
out hope to others. Jesus is interested in
helping us in the sexual side of our being also.
What is more, it is possible to experience sexual
healing, to even be delivered from sexual
compulsions. I can testify to that.
When one has suffered great
hurt, it inevitably has a knock-on affect on
one's sexuality. It is one of the consequences.
In my case there was an extra factor. Sadly I had
been led to believe that celibacy wasn't God's
will and had been given the falsified version of
its history which so many trot out to this day.
This made it even harder still, much harder.
Then in 1987 I spent some
days in a mobile at Ballinesker by the sea. While
there, I had a brief spiritual experience. While
feeling a bit bored, I picked up a spiritual book
by Jean Vanier, opened it and read,
"Celibacy is a gift". The words
absolutely lit up. As the words "Celibacy is
a gift" lit up, a flow of gentle energy
seemed to pass through me, from my head to my
feet.
I can't rightly describe
what happened. It was too quick, too gentle for
words. Yet it was as if something was washed
away, as if something literally left my body. I
immediately felt a new sense of freedom, freedom
from sexual compulsions.
It was a further important
turning point. I have found celibacy increasingly
easy since then. I believe that the healing that
started that day has been continued - especially
each year at the Intercession For Priests. Around
1996, Sr. Briege Mckenna gave me a little
personal prophecy concerning victory in the
sexual area of my life. I felt nothing either
while she was praying with me or afterwards, but
I have experienced tremendous freedom since from
all sexual desires..
Meanwhile I find it hard to
find words to express the joy and happiness that
is in my life. It is a truly wonderful ongoing
experience. It all comes from my relationship
with Jesus, the outpouring of the Holy Spirit and
the love of the Father.
The above is a
significant extract from the opening chapter of
my book "Answering God's
Call and having one's life transformed"
I am writing this footnote
to the above in 2006. During the last six months
I believe that I have been led into some
wonderful new insights, and into a deeper
experience of union with Jesus. These are to be
found in my prayer booklet "To
Pray With The Voice Of Jesus" and in the outline of "Living
in Jesus Association".
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